The following is a personal blog written by the board president and child sponsorship coordinator, Nika Pierre-Louis. It is a reflection on her personal experience with the Lord and meant as a topic for inspiration and personal inflection.

It’s been a rough year.

Hasn’t 2020 been a rough year?

Well, yes, but somehow for me it has been an unbelievable season of renewal, hope, life, and grace. Against all odds, it seemed. There was a moment, a few weeks perhaps, in March (you know, COVID-19 lockdown) when I felt myself sinking, like everyone else. I prayed for the answer, the cure, how not to suffer the pit of depression again, and the verses of Isaiah 58 immediately became burned in my mind:

…if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

For the past 6 months, not a day goes by, hardly an hour, without me repeating those words under my breath. “But if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry…” I’ve definitely felt spent at times.

I am not sure English translates this verse quite right. But a few different translations might shed some light. The NKJV reads “If you extend your soul to the hungry and satisfy the afflicted soul….” Then the ESV: “if you pour yourself out for the hungry….” And lastly, the Amplified Bible literally translates: “And if you furnish yourself to the hungry, and satisfy the soul of the afflicted…” [emphasis mine]

Then your light will break forth like the dawn.
Then you will call, and the Lord will answer.

Then you will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

If you spend yourself.

It doesn’t make sense does it? In a culture obsessed with self-care, self-rights, work-life balance, and personal freedom, pouring one’s life out doesn’t fit. To “furnish yourself” for something implies preparation for a specific purpose, for a calling. What does it mean to “furnish yourself” to the hungry? To give of what I have. To fulfill a reason for being. To spend everything.

Is that the calling on Christians?

Four years ago I would never have believed that.

At the end of 2016, I was working full time in a busy emergency room, chasing two toddler boys around, and pregnant with my third boy. My husband was working three jobs and a full time Master’s degree student. I wasn’t overwhelmed, just at capacity. I felt like if one more thing were added to my plate, everything would tip and spill on the floor. I knew what it was like to crash and end up in a heap of nothing. I had battled depression three times before, and I knew it was only a matter of time before it caught up to me again. I was determined to keep that work-life balance steady as long as possible. So when my husband asked me to join the organization he had started in Haiti, I said,

“Absolutely not.”

I flat out was not interested. Oh, I knew Haiti had problems. I’d been there. My husband grew up there, my in-laws, nieces and nephews were there. But I did not see in myself any capacity whatsoever to get involved. And I didn’t really see any reason to. Haitians are going to have to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, I thought. Mostly I just thought I had to do everything in my power to keep my own head above water.

You won’t believe what my wonderful husband did. He tricked me. He invited the Lespwa Lavi board of directors over for a late dinner after our kids had gone to bed. He cooked and cleaned. I wasn’t rude enough to avoid sitting down for dinner with everyone. And they had their board meeting! Part of the meeting included a phone call to Duvelsaint, who is now the director of operations at Lespwa Lavi. At that time, this was a fledgling organization and Duvelsaint was only running the soccer academy. He had just recruited the first girls’ team in the region, so he was excited to tell us about that. Then Ricardo asked what he needed to keep the program running successfully. What did he need us to do for him?

I was only half listening. Trying to think of an excuse to get up from the table. I expected Duvelsaint to say he needed money, or fancy soccer equipment, or a truck or something. He paused. There was a long moment of static silence on the phone. Then he said in Creole “Well,” his voice broke. “The kids are having trouble getting through practice. Some of them faint because they have not eaten for a few days. They are getting sick and having cramps because we don’t have any water. Would it be possible to feed them some crackers at practice?”

…

My jaw was on the table with my tears.

…

I joined the board. Little kids were starving, and someone had just asked for help. I realized that whatever it took, I had to make time for that.

Since then, countless hours of mine have been have been spent writing, typing, calling, speaking, drawing and imagining to help Lespwa Lavi get off the ground. Yet I’ve had more time, and more contentment than ever before. People often ask me how I do it. I still work (part time now, thank goodness), I’m now raising and homeschooling three boys and pregnant with a 4th. How do I have time to do all that I do with Lespwa Lavi?

Somehow the time exists to do the right thing. Somehow the energy is supplied to complete the task.

How? I’m spending myself for the right purpose.

Last fall, 2019, I could not sleep for weeks because of the lockdown and famine in Haiti. We could not get food through for the children, who were already severely malnourished. I was expecting every day to hear that we had lost some – that some of our kids we had committed to had just died of starvation. But many of my friends pitied me. They pitied me because I was so worried. It was weird, you know, I should suffer a little bit, I should stress a little bit. The knowledge of starving children should keep you up at night. Because the miracle, when God comes through and saves every last one of them at the last second, seeing that, is more than recompense for any sleepless nights I suffered.

You see, without purpose, all the self-care in the world won’t be enough. Without purpose, all the rest you can get won’t refresh your heart. What is your purpose? American Christians spend so much energy and time trying to discover it. We take personality tests, we learn our enneagram, we go on weekend retreats, we take 3 month discipleship classes, and 9 month internships, and 2 year service missions.

Is that what you call a fast?

None of those things are bad, and they might be needed sometimes, but Isaiah 58 lays out our purpose fairly simply. It’s not something you have to go seeking to find.

Spend yourself.

Spend yourself to find life so abundantly you can’t wait to spend it more.

But it makes sense to me now.

“Then your light will break forth like the dawn…. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”

I can hardly describe the joy I’ve felt when receiving reports that a child dangerously underweight gained several kilograms since starting the nutrition program. The sense of fulfilled purpose when I get a new photo of a child who has been sponsored. Their smile knows they have hope, and their future lies before them.

And then there’s the awe. The absolute awe when God fits pieces of nothing together and creates some beautiful miracle. I don’t yet know why, but He seems to like to do that in Haiti. There is something special to God’s heart in Haiti. And something wonderful for my soul.

Let me encourage you. Life is not about self-care. It’s not about achieving balance. It is about throwing yourself out of balance for the kind of fasting God has chosen. It is an absolute pouring out, furnishing oneself, spending every drop for the hungry, the broken and the naked.

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
    and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
    and break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
    and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
    and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
    and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness[a] will go before you,
    and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
9 Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
    you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
    with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
    and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
    and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The Lord will guide you always;
    he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
    and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
    like a spring whose waters never fail.
12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
    Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

Isaiah 58:6-12 NIV